I still believe struggles have a reason and a purpose, but I have a new clear awareness: sometimes they are a result of my own poor choices. There are two instances of online writings I wish I could withdraw. My former version of The View from 5022 contains rants and opinions I no longer hold. I am wanting to withdraw these old flags of mine that are rotting in the baking sun because I am a bit embarrassed by my naive, less-spiritually mature self.
Try as I might to get WordPress to give me back control of that site, it isn’t happening. And that’s fine. Some people may still benefit from what I wrote there. I’ve heard that one of the early Christian mystics, at the end of his life, wished to burn his writings because he saw life, God, and existence in a new and different way. However, his life’s work and teachings still inspire and guide.
But there is another forum on which I left opinions and suggestions I would now like to withdraw…for a different reason. The blog was set up by a prominent contemporary spiritual leader and guide. She said she wanted to open a conversation, so I contributed. As more ideas came to me, I contributed more. But there never was any conversing on her part. In fact, the only responses I received from her circle were not welcoming and now seem to have been veiled attempts to humiliate me.
Yes, I can still find a good purpose to this struggle; I am learning when to comment and when to hold my pen. It was foolish of me to participate so whole-heartedly in an online venue where you can’t see who else is lurking in the shadows nor do you know the true heart and intention of the one inviting you to speak. That was my mistake. But more importantly, this issue shines divine light on my pride.
The feeling behind my desire to take down some of my blog posts on the older View from 5022 is complex…a desire to not perpetuate somewhat immature and shallow Christian beliefs. But my desire to remove my comments from the contemporary teacher’s site is pure pride. I am embarrassed that I was stupid enough to contribute extensively to a site without considering the risks.
More to the point, though, I have been humiliated. The spiritual teacher did not respond to my comments and those who did were mean-spirited. I don’t want or need to recant my posts; I still stand behind the comments I made. I’ve just been insulted and my feeling are hurt. That’s pride. That I can learn from.
(Thank you, Jesus.)